Passerby: She 'shoulda' took her scarf when she left!
Me: I'm glad she left it. It makes an interesting picture.
Scarf. Picture and silly dialogue by Diane Frymire ©2010
The Art of Possibility, Zander p. 104
"Don't 'shoulda' on yourself!' my friends and I sometimes say to each other when we start second-guessing ourselves. The connotation is clear. A nasty mess is created when the 'shoulds' start entering our heads and conversations.
Using should is tantamount to the downward spiral talk that Zander discusses. Especially when the discussion, or thoughts, have to do with past events. No amount of 'shoulda'ing is going to change a situation. In the present, a 'should' do can be changed to a 'will' do and thus become effective.
As teachers, the 'shouldas' run rampant: "You shoulda done your homework!" "You shoulda cleaned up that mess!" "You should get better grades!" On and on they go twirling around our classrooms like a poisonous snake whose bite is extremely destructive.
How does one overcome the 'shouldas'?
1. Pay attention to how many times you say it to yourself, and how it affects you.
2. Notice when and why you say it to others.
3. Look at your own 'shouldas' and how they might hinder the way you see your students.
4. Allow the kind of people into your life don't 'shoulda' on you, and who help you not 'shoulda' on yourself.
My wish is for all of you (and me) to be 'shoulda' free!
Shoulda, woulda, coulda, etc.... these are all words that are all too common in today's society. Even in our marketing platform we hear things like, "Wow, I shoulda had a V8!". I think that this is the age of procrastinators and this goes hand in hand with the shoulda generation. (I definitely am the club president to the procrastinators club!) I find though however that as I "slide" into my Golden years, I am realizing more and more that certain things cannot be pushed off to another day, because that other day might not come around. I know that this may sound kind of morbid but I have seen things in my life change, especially after having bee in this program. I have had to reschedule tasks because of certain time constraints and obligations that just have to be met. I like this "newly" found part of my life, although it can be some what stressful ensuring that everything gets done in a timely fashion. I guess that as we age, our priorities age with us!! Great Post. I have enjoyed being in class with you Diane. I enjoyed attending WIMBA together and look forward to our upcoming group project together.
ReplyDeleteDiane,
ReplyDeleteYou said it! Our schools need a great big 'shoulda' fast... in fact, our society in general does! I too found myself under conviction after reading Zander's remarks on the negativity of the word "should." When I read it and read your post, it makes me think of the looks on the faces of my students when I have said such things aloud. I think my most used statement has to be, "you shoulda thought about that before you decided to ________." It is like a blanket statement for anything missed... a forgotten pencil, a missing homework assignment, a test not studied for... yet can it be that we as educators are actually putting our kids into processes of negative thinking?! I hear "I can't" way too much from my students... maybe they say that because they have not learned to believe that they "can" and better yet- "will!" What kind of society of unbelievers are we creating?...
Diane,
ReplyDeletePerhaps we "should" convince the powers that be to remove the word completely from our vocabulary. I know I am guilty of using the "shoulda" to my students. I'm beginning to think it's a horrible word! Imagine dashing a young child's ideas with you shoulda......... What a horrible thought. We "should" celebrate the things they accomplish rather than giving them alternatives that dash their feelings. Great post!
I really think you are on to something important here Diane. When we focus on the “should haves” we forget to focus on the “haves.” What do we have? This is usually the last thing we try to identify. We never lead off with the fact that that certain aspects were done well because we usually lead off with what was done wrong or not done at all. I try (but I am not always successful) to look at the bright side of things and avoid saying “you shoulda” or “why did you not do” when dealing with my students.
ReplyDelete